red swooshed

back sleepy. rainscare rainscar. sleeplessness fulfilled. feeling the cyclic repetition. longish walk, like yest midnight. delirious. record+play. the eyes. the infinity eyes, how could one not have loved them, Neruda? the touch that would have killed spacetime constraints. the convulsions. how big are they.! how study ex-am?! but "why" seems to me be the more important quest-ion. how can one not question the questions we seems to question. thats a terrible trifle too.. dont remember those dreams i might ve seen. but how do you see it? is it a paint? getting closer to sociophobic monomania. might almost possess a digi sell are dslr and a gramophone and and.. all that in a week may be..! look closer..! read all Freud, atleast some an year ago looking forward to feel well.. trifles.. trifles. may be i ve to read.. ruskolnikov still with me..

stressors

anothere stressfilled stressors. watched mb's new telugu moveie. expenscive second show. ll buy it gramaphone soon. i ve walked with the same shadow for a long since..
free mobil services: www.mytoday.com. "bliss if there is, was it not there? "

dil se..

what else will come this time if not from dil se..no. its not humor. just another pressing night about to sleep night that has ended me "embedded" in a computer.on the bed. i remember an year. an year ago or so. but this is not bday or anything. if only i can space back the time i would space it back so that the time is spaced in http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4787286485585051395
Blogger: Dreams with in the dreams - Create Postsuch a way that i dont type aphostaphy ' less things. well,, ahh..well.. the is means grabblering. but i am still so close to things you see.. sleeplessly close. ruminating an year old thoughts that have sunk into the depths of a thing thats not any oceanic deep thing, would probably mean this: rumination. its better than urination: for one simple reason : that is rumination is this and not anything else. a fan a light and a carrot halwa.! no. not kidding. they .them i am ruminating with quiet a deep precision trying to observe the same miniature-of-spacetime-warp that always existed online and look into those unobservable unobserved aspects i might have unruminated uneaten an year ago.10 monce ago. 320 days roughly ago! 'God! you look like a maniac'!i have stopped caring you see.. in depths no.. how ambiguously you write?! it has a reason too.. this i'd nt explain myself too though i know it.only i might know how intimate double solitude it had been, by choice, the only choicely, still i like it. if i were to psychoanalyze wat i write now.. i would not do it.may be i'd do it in a while. i'd not touch upon them and depress myself anymore.. haha.. how funny! "u know" how can i unremember again n again. its a red cross legged bright sunny sunsetty pinkish look. and a colourfull pale faced sicklikelooking notreallysickbut beautiful spectacle of stressor. let me come to the present.. or may be a littl back for a some days or daze or so..nothing changed changed never: a terrible beauty is dead..i cant sleep again. i like some things thou: somethings and all now.. i search insearch of a smile finally sotosmile myself too.. i might laugh it again. ambiguous laughter that i dedicate to my love: iself

..........

2 comrades walking on road. one says to other "Your obsession is my compulsion." the other says "oh! how morbid!" true it is sir. well things cant compel more as they do during the psychology end semester that leaves a cathartic unawe. vennela vee vennela vee minaae daati vasthaavae..projection! simone the b.existing. exciting. left the hole-y room for almost days except for an unpleasant sleepless psychology night. not bad performance this time.. addicting to tamil version of vennila ve. understandable telugu melodic tamil. still unsleep.

late nights mostly as they do leave dilurius. now its seems to ve possessed by the gream xyz.me. eyes still active.though much is left un seen. half completed the half watched full desire longago watched movie. sagara sangamam. union of rivers. under the closed walls light and darkness i watch it half here,now and forever. those striking phrases i could never be able to not remember. here now foever. nice movie as i wanted it to b. he is a drinker. heavy drinker. dancer. and she.? she a photographer or ssomething like that. she looks nice and he too.kamalhasn and that jayaprada girl. nice songs too. lyrics. brathuku nithya nruthyam..:life is a continuous dance..goodmorning.ribs aches. its already 2!thapanuni kiranam!thaamasa haranam. narthana mee shiva kavacham! randomised lirycs..
i realise i am big now.goddambig. more than 19years. how emotionally scary it feels! hah. eybastard.listen. just chumma watch it. no crys shall be entertained. remember srisri??mahakavi.
ah. may be this blog is a dream,so is my adulthood and philosophies and soon and soon. i nomore ,i confess i nomore choke. but.shit. how scary. pablo neruda's saddest poem. may be,i still .. ....!
... is short. forgetting is soooo long. thr infinite eyes.and darkness of the hairy air that smelled on like a fresly washed herbal leaves. how stupid. that medicine was sometimes less scary.alteast i could close all options. thats stupid too. whats not so stupid? unrationale existance. true.
movies are some movies are dreams of timespaces we live in.by the time i find where wall is on facebook, its almost seeming impossible to be found by me...for someimes i knownot whats done by me. and stop talks for hours.hours of limitless dreams. not so remembered ones. suffering. i feel spiteful. chumma i feel it. but noone knows what lies beneath beyond chumma. its 3. cant sleep anywhy.out of internet so manydays.online so many hours. binaries dont exist. they exist. this itslf binarily opposed. harping on my illogic again. surrealhumor!what a word?! logic of existance: nothingness. chumma being philosophical and all?! bastard. what to do tomorro.? is almost 4. not tomorro.today. get to sleep and wake up undepressed thats very nice. suitcase tv with typewriter you get means so much nakkaraass yu do ra. yes.people even mail me asking to come to partyss. how sad! hehe..watching it again.the rest of it.while it rests again and again.

Sagara Sangamam - Movie

watching movie from here only.link adjacant.almost watched. what a powerfilled end at the end.eyestriking thing.he dies off. movie by vishwanath. mixture of absurdities yet stron emotional touch. its almoct early mourning.,like everyday.
the thing is head is heavy. tomorrow becomes today and tomorrow was day after. so. psyc exam tomorro. devarahul-an old science frind- devarahul wants cargo pants from me from here to be purchased.triffles in head. ripples in eyes. trffles in head ripples in bed nipples in eyes.letsl lie down to sleep now..

terrible buty

hehe.. terrible? eh.. trying watch movie online. kamalhasans dance movie. balchandar absurdism came out in another dancemaster movie i watched. still trying ruskolnikov of dustohwisky. slept and nice. still lyin down. streaming it online. remembering vikram.searching him online. got my 4th vcd copy of hazaron.
..almost lost again now

what things?!
'd watch sometime again. now movie festival.: sagarasangamam. which i vaguely remember from childhood. thakita thadhimi thakita thandaana..

lone

today. quiet alone for sometime. as unusual. kinda scare. scar. yes scary scar. i do mean. feeling very thinking about those things that dellude me. so ran out. desperately distracting. so opening nothing. lonely hole. room. its so romantic. the room. perfect literature piece it is, for it creates intense emotions in me. scary solitude of free associations that had passed by long ago. its as if time has stopped at that point of time thats delusional. tried to sleep off badly listening songs.! happens does it?? no. sir. please. well. you say psychology is shit?! exam tomorrow. how psychological?! delusions. ah.. let them come. let them come. pains. trains and chains. sri sri. sri sri let you go! o poet i loved.! let you go. with those thak thak telugu poems. oh how sad.! may be nothing happened after it. its just a day that passed. or as i aware myself of its monce that passed. monce and months. monce. weeks. weex and cracks in the head. no thing nothing will move again.
todays achievement: started and completed Dostyovsky's. i even forget how to spell it. started reading The Dream of a Ridiculous Man. and completed. and sitting here out of.. i forgot that word.

..

scream of consciousness interests recent.
http://chainofthoughts.com/

http://c3f.com/mostfh01.html

fun. reading ruskolnikov. exam somewhen

poretic

kjaag! how poetically positively morbid i felt yesterday?! listened to meera. (!)
long roads, poetic walks.
bad mov(i)e yeaterday! i am positively irritated at times..
the evening roads. forget as if you read nothing.walkon with ... n ... ."..missed..not remembered..cant read" here lies it forgotten: yellow and black walking evening. pergrjhliks wikes up.(??) let them, let them. this leaf, this plant i forgot.let me remember. parthenium. it smells still. evening butterflies. even-ing . evening autos. evening flying planes. guthka packets, torn cigarretts unburnt cloth.: signifying nothing. sixty kilometers. fat staring eyes. dglovesymbols. mice the cesne.(??). staring auto eyes. yellow shirts. empty words. clappng hearts.shy from empty words.thoughts. dead syntax. meaningless thoughts.
trying to capture rawly forming words as they form in head.

walk talk and more. walks on solitude

manys

a's session. nice intellectual mast. abt absurdism and irrational rationale. and God. lady god. so on so on. he says there's nothing in the world thats absurd. after few words he opposes it.how absurd! :) not feels like going back all way aunt alone. stays back somewhere whereever whoever welcomes. as fo now none. may be my own room little. very deeppressive. doesn matter much. may be no other proper option. godse's defence. reading trying. nothing much. wanting a camera.
Godse's court words last :

"I now stand before the court to accept the full share of my responsibility for what I have done and the judge would, of course, pass against me such orders of sentence as may be considered proper. But I would like to add that I do not desire any mercy to be shown to me, nor do I wish that anyone else should beg for mercy on my behalf. My confidence about the moral side of my action has not been shaken even by the criticism levelled against it on all sides. I have no doubt that honest writers of history will weigh my act and find the true value thereof some day in future.
-NATHURAM GODSE"

what

what kids talk in aroom? with none around engaged in room cleaning.
..' and its very fun making your clothe wet no.. ! any ones..
water please/ you shd do/ stchh/ :water splash:/ i wish i dint wear a long skirt today/ ah.. ahhh../ actually its so funn/ hey its dring/ lets do it faster./ i'm slipping./ do like this idiot:thak thak:/ i ve one idea/ i need more water.. .wtrrrrrr..

.

UNWANTING to write. wanna have my kaemara. long since i had one. want a gramophone record. as old as possible. i ll buy it today. or may be within a month. i bet so. i bet myself so. reading crime n punisment.

..

mountains mountains and mountains sees i as the world looked like a torrent and oh! how it looked.
p.s poem check.
computer offs and ons and nothing goes off my head
na me na yu. na this na that. nathing.
For the world, the world is a bunch of dreams and dreams are bunch of worlds.
what what is matters not. what where is matters not. why. why it is. quiet matterable. srisri phonks in my head like d. underground man. nada comes back as it goes back. its all nor a big deal sees i, after that 19-20 years of spiteful masturbation. The flame of tobacco moving red dress, dog, hair lights and unlitten dark streets of suddha gunta palya. candle lit whiskey faces. whiskey shops.telugu voices kannada noises. thoughtless lines lineless thoughts. nice book was it was. its still nice, as its not yet ended. "He was wearing an old and hopelessly ragged black dress coat, with all its buttons missing except one, and that one he had buttoned, evidently clinging to this last trace of respectability."
ruggedly nice piece.
whats that i search for in these meaning filled empty words.nothing. and suddenly these lines

"Good night," the other said. Turning off the electric light he continued the conversation with himself, It was the light of course but it is necessary that the place be clean and pleasant. You do not want music. Certainly you do not want music. Nor can you stand before a bar with dignity although that is all that is provided for these hours. What did he fear? It was not a fear or dread, It was a nothing that he knew too well. It was all a nothing and a man was a nothing too. It was only that and light was all it needed and a certain cleanness and order. Some lived in it and never felt it but he knew it all was nada y pues nada y naday pues nada. Our nada who art in nada, nada be thy name thy kingdom nada thy will be nada in nada as it is in nada. Give us this nada our daily nada and nada us our nada as we nada our nadas and nada us not into nada but deliver us from nada; pues nada. Hail nothing full of nothing, nothing is with thee. He smiled and stood before a bar with a shining steam pressure coffee machine.

blogger

psychey movie. not bad one. quiet unreal. they shoudnt ve killed him. anyways thats just a movie. dreaming badly since 25the setember. its nise. very terribly nise. memoirs comming abackk. trying hard to deviate: the most impossiblest thing. may be i should watch some movie in that theater. who 'd do psych project? your awwa? ajji? no. i love her. reading underground notes. trying to continue it. no money. no.. just dont feel like remembering my having it. terribly idiotic. may be idiocentric! bastard!@. drrams coming again. but this time not so terrible.cause i dont leave carbon particles anymore. laugh. laugh if you want. but thats exactly the opposite intention of what ia am tryiing to mean. today was a very nice day. i met the biggest king of the nine planets. dont talk rubbish. sorry. yeas. eyecheck up. they asked me to wear that invisible things. proffesional ethics. shivaji not so bad. a good translator helped me out this time, the third time. i could connect most parts of movie into one string. even that english movie that hide and seek. i can connect the events into chain somewhat. dada bangladeshing. good for me. to believ or not to believe psychology. no. its ok. dont. i am typing this for free unlike the other times. rahul. a very nice name. it sounds nice, not means:Rahul, a popular male name in India, has a variety of meanings. The earliest meaning found in the Upanishads is "conqueror of all miseries." Later use of the word is attributed to the , who named his son Rahul as he felt that family ties could be an obstacle in the path to renunciation and nirvana. The name Rahul mainly belongs to Hindu or Christian communities. Some Dictionaries also suggest th meaning of Rahul as someone who is "Able" or "Efficient". The earliest recorded use of the word Rahul is found in the Mundaka Upanishad, wherein the word is used as a synonym for the moon .

bbc.i wanna draw.

still

still depressed. jvd leaving. met kmr. watching shvji. shit. still d'd. cant talk any more., mostly. cant type too. phases taking over. hoping history to be absurd.
p.s- as dark as the con of man

link of the times

http://www.oikos.org/

http://www.antipsychiatry.org/

why

shouldnt ve attendead psyc. its as if he cuts me into pieces.my head!

werthers final letter

"Past eleven o'clock!  All is silent around me, and my soul is
calm.  I thank thee, O God, that thou bestowest strength and courage
upon me in these last moments!  I approach the window, my dearest
of friends; and through the clouds, which are at this moment driven
rapidly along by the impetuous winds, I behold the stars which
illumine the eternal heavens.  No, you will not fall, celestial
bodies: the hand of the Almighty supports both you and me!  I have
looked for the last time upon the constellation of the Greater
Bear: it is my favourite star; for when I bade you farewell at
night, Charlotte, and turned my steps from your door, it always
shone upon me.  With what rapture have I at times beheld it!  How
often have I implored it with uplifted hands to witness my felicity!
and even still -- But what object is there, Charlotte, which fails
to summon up your image before me?  Do you not surround me on all
sides? and have I not, like a child, treasured up every trifle
which you have consecrated by your touch?

"Your profile, which was so dear to me, I return to you; and I
pray you to preserve it.  Thousands of kisses have I imprinted
upon it, and a thousand times has it gladdened my heart on departing
from and returning to my home.

"I have implored your father to protect my remains.  At the corner
of the churchyard, looking toward the fields, there are two
lime-trees -- there I wish to lie.  Your father can, and doubtless
will, do this much for his friend.  Implore it of him.  But perhaps
pious Christians will not choose that their bodies should be
buried near the corpse of a poor, unhappy wretch like me.  Then
let me be laid in some remote valley, or near the highway, where
the priest and Levite may bless themselves as they pass by my
tomb, whilst the Samaritan will shed a tear for my fate.

"See, Charlotte, I do not shudder to take the cold and fatal cup,
from which I shall drink the draught of death.  Your hand presents
it to me, and I do not tremble.  All, all is now concluded: the
wishes and the hopes of my existence are fulfilled.  With cold,
unflinching hand I knock at the brazen portals of Death.  Oh, that
I had enjoyed the bliss of dying for you! how gladly would I have
sacrificed myself for you; Charlotte!  And could I but restore
peace and joy to your bosom, with what resolution, with what joy,
would I not meet my fate!  But it is the lot of only a chosen few
to shed their blood for their friends, and by their death to
augment, a thousand times, the happiness of those by whom they are
beloved.

"I wish, Charlotte, to be buried in the dress I wear at present:
it has been rendered sacred by your touch.  I have begged this
favour of your father.  My spirit soars above my sepulchre.  I
do not wish my pockets to be searched.  The knot of pink ribbon
which you wore on your bosom the first time I saw you, surrounded
by the children -- Oh, kiss them a thousand times for me, and
tell them the fate of their unhappy friend!  I think I see them
playing around me.  The dear children!  How warmly have I been
attached to you, Charlotte!  Since the first hour I saw you, how
impossible have I found it to leave you.  This ribbon must be
buried with me: it was a present from you on my birthday.  How
confused it all appears!  Little did I then think that I should
journey this road.  But peace!  I pray you, peace!

"They are loaded -- the clock strikes twelve.  I say amen.
Charlotte, Charlotte! farewell, farewell!"